I Suffered a Freak Injury Today and I Thought My Life Was In Danger

Rambunctious teens like myself often find themselves in the hospital after a night of turning up (that’s what the kids say these days, right?), and if you think I was in the hospital today for that reason, you’re wrong. This morning I woke up to a cabin full of 11 year olds and “Where Is The Love” by the Black Eyed Peas bumping. I immediately got out of bed, chimed in, and convinced them that I was a member of the Peas during the time that song was released. Seconds later, I endured the yawn felt ’round my jaw.
Everyone yawns and once in a while their jaws lock up a little bit but you just hold it there and you’re good. That happened to me but I was far from okay. For a while, I thought I’d never live to post another article. I slowly realized there was nothing I could do to close my mouth, so mouth open for the next 2 hours, I found my way to a hospital with a good buddy of mine. After the doc’s two futile attempts at pushing my jaw back to where it should be without any pain medicine (the two most painful moments of my life, not even close), he decided the only way to get it back to where it should be was to put me under. I’ve faced anaesthesia twice in my life. For the removal of a potentially cancerous (wasn’t, #GodIsGood) mole guy on my leg, and for a poorly executed yawn. Real shit. Videos of me after anaesthesia were fucking gold, but nonetheless I will be hearing a lot of “Robbie, show me your O face!” requests for the ensuing weeks. Freak injuries can happen to anyone. Be careful next time you yawn.
P.S. My jaw is still in some pain and it’s looking like imma be on that soft pasta for days diet (kidding had a burrito but had to cut it up), but at least I can exercise @RKY17.

BREAKING NEWS: LeBron James to Sign with Cleveland Cavaliers

Sources close to Dart Boy Sports are confirming that LeBron James will become a Cleveland Cavalier. The length of the contract has not yet been confirmed but it is rumored to be a max deal for 4 years. Our sources also are saying that LeBron is currently in a meeting with members of Cleveland’s front office, and that they are “crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s” on this new deal. Stay tuned for more updates to follow.

Tim Howard Referring to Soccer as Football is Really Bothering Me

So I was watching SportsCenter last night and heard Tim Howard say to an ESPN reporter that the USA-Belgium game was “a great game of football” Football……Football……

Listen, I know literally almost every country calls soccer football, but c’mon Tim. You grew up in New Jersey!!! Like 45 minutes from where I live. And last time I checked, we call it soccer, not only in New Jersey, but from sea to shining sea. Don’t try to be like everyone else Tim. You’re from the greatest country on Earth, and here in the greatest country on Earth we have our own football. Soccer is soccer.

Also, what does he call football? If I see a tape of him calling it American football, I might actually get throw up.

P.S. Dorf tried to say that he can call it football because he plays in England for most of the year. That’s honestly one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. Some people at UConn call a water fountain a “bubbler”. I’ll be there for a majority of my next 3 years and you bet your ass I’ll never call it a bubbler. Also, people in the South call soda “pop”. If I move to the South, am I going to suddenly start calling it pop? Not a chance. You represent where you come from no matter where you go, and that’s why I’m a little disappointed in Tim.

So let’s see if DBS Nation is bothered by this as much as I am….

USA vs. Belgium Prediction

Fuck Belgium. All of the underdogs so far have lost, however every game has been close, which is enough reason to believe that we will win, so consider it a lock that the US wins 1-0 on a 88′ goal by Alejandro Bedoya off a Michael Bradley cross. Fuck a waffle. Home of the brave by 1. Book it.

Oh Look, It’s Kobe Bryant Being a Cock Again

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Obviously, Kobe Bryant is one of the greatest players, greatest competitors, and greatest champions the NBA has ever seen. But, holy shit I hate his guts. He acts like the whole world is out to get him. Oh the Hornets said they had no useĀ for you (which I doubt they actually said) and traded you on draft day? Awww poor you. How about a little humility? Just shut up and let your play do the talking (If you ever play again). Could you imagine Tim Duncan tweeting something like this? Nope no way. Kobe is under the radar one of the biggest cocks out there in case you never realized. Oh wait, didn’t he get in trouble one time for ra……Ah never mind.

P.S. Belgium<

Jason Kidd is a Grade A Scumbag

This whole Jason Kidd to the Bucks saga seems like one of the most bizarre, crazy things to happen in sports in recent years, but when you think about it, it’s really not. As Evan Roberts said today on WFAN, Jason Kidd is just not a good guy. Before we start talking about basketball, let’s just get it out of the way that the guy is a wife beater. Now let’s recall that the Mavericks traded him when he couldn’t get along with the coaches, he basically had Byron Scott fired while in New Jersey, and after pursuing Lawrence Frank as his assistant after being hired by Brooklyn, berates him and demotes him 2 months into the season. And now this. Trying to control basketball operations for the Nets? After one mediocre year as a head coach where he barely survived the first few months of the season? Sure the Nets had a nice turnaround when the calendar changed to 2014, but they still underachieved. Billy King was nice enough to keep him around after a miserable start, and just a few months later Kidd pushes to usurp King’s power as GM. I’m no Nets fan, but this is absolutely a good thing for them to get away from this scumbag. Throughout his career he’s shown he’s concerned with one thing and one thing only. And that’s himself.
As for the Bucks, I honestly have no idea what they’re thinking. Why are they so desperate for Kidd to become their coach? One year as coach with a star studded roster and he underachieved, and now Milwaukee thinks he’ll be able to turn around the team with the worst record in the NBA? I have no idea why the Bucks would give up 2 picks for him, unless he’s gonna come out of retirement and play for that miserable franchise. To summarize, this is really going to turn out to be a good thing for the Nets. 4 coaches in 3 years in Brooklyn isn’t ideal, but this whole fiasco will truly turn out to be a blessing in disguise. As for the Bucks, who really knows and who really cares? Kidd will coach for 2 years there, miss the playoffs both years, get fired, and then hope and pray another franchise is dumb enough to hire him. Book it.

Off to the Round of 16

Sorry if I’m un-American or whatever you want to call me, but I didn’t care if we won, lost, or drew right there, as long as we got through the group. Obviously a win and a ticket to play either Russia or Algeria would’ve been delightful, but you can’t expect a win against arguably the best team in the tournament. We in there. Those Portuguese fuckers who shafted us Sunday helped out big time today. One love. Belgians on deck, let’s eat.

P.S. Friendly reminder that you are a Grade A douchebag if you root for anyone besides USA. ‘Merica or gtfo.